I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
