The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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