Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
