Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
