My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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