If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize