but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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