i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize