the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
