She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The adults are the big ones right?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
