i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
