Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
