dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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