we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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