i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
