my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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