just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
