woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
