barbara walters just said penis...
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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