she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Randomize
