i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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