you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
