Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
