I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I DEMAND FORESKIN
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
