As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
