Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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