You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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