there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
