Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
