While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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