$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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