meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
