The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
