they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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