Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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