Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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