1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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