My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
