I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize