He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
im six kinds of drunk right now
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize