Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Your shirt... Was in my pants
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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