Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
