I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
