I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
