Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Drunk walkin through police station. America
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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