I got her a Nickelback box set.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
