Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
