just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
