Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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