Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
