went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
