I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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