She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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