I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
