$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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