remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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