If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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