Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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