When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
